Harry Potter and the Worst Possible Ending
by xPhoenixPrincessx
Summary: The final battle is raging on but Harry is nowhere to be seen. When Ginny finally finds him she has the shock of her life. He’s having afternoon tea with Lord Voldemort himself and he also learns a few home truths.


**Harry Potter and the Worst Possible Ending.**

**Summary: **The final battle is raging on but Harry is nowhere to be seen. When Ginny finally finds him she has the shock of her life. He's having afternoon tea with Lord Voldemort himself and he also learns a few home truths.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything that you may recognise, I'm just taking the characters and having a little fun with them.

**AN: **I was just thinking of all the possible bad ways that the Harry Potter series could end and I've decided to put them altogether in one nice fic. :D This shouldn't be taken seriously, I'm just a bored 16 year old with too much time and too many smarties. Credit to my younger brother for helping me, lol.

* * *

The final battle was raging on. There were piles of dead Death Eaters lying on the ground while every single member of the Order of the Phoenix were still alive and fighting. Among those members of the Order were Sirius Black and Dumbledore who had met up in the afterlife and somehow - amazingly - worked out a spell to bring them back to life, even though Dumbledore himself had always told young Harry that there was no spell to awaken the dead.

Hermione and Ron were fighting side by side against Bellatrix Lestrange, trying to kill her which was proving to be impossible even though Hermione was a very intelligent witch and exceptionally talented when it came to duelling due to all the times she had been caught up in evil things with her best mates in the Golden Trio.

"It's no good, Ron. We're all going to die!" She wailed.

"I love you Hermione!"

"I love you too Ron!"

They both start snogging wildly in the middle of the battle field as Bellatrix looks on disgusted while the R/Hr shippers cheer loudly as they had been waiting for this moment since the first book. Bellatrix was so disgusted that she didn't notice the slightly plump 17 year old sneak up behind her with his wand outstretched.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" yelled Neville. "HAHA, TAKE THAT BITCH. NO ONE MESSES WITH MY PARENTS AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!"

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT STEALING MY CAPSLOCKS!" came Harry's voice from somewhere over the other side of the battle field.

Bellatrix fell to the floor and died. Neville stepped over her body and went to tell Ron and Hermione the good news.

"I have some good news." Neville started.

"OMG. You and Luna are getting married! Can I be bridesmaid?" Squealed Hermione in a most un-Hermione like way.

"Congratulations mate." Said Ron as he slapped Neville on the back.

"Er… no. I was just going to tell you that I've killed dear old Bella. You know the Death Eater who tortured my parents into insanity, killed Sirius Black before he mysteriously came back to life and who nearly killed you just now?"

"Oh right." Answered Hermione, looking slightly disappointed.

Just then Ginny came running over to the small group with Luna following right behind.

"Has anyone seen Harry?" Ginny asked, frantically. "He's supposed to be killing old Voldie so we can end this war and go back to the Burrow for tea and biscuits."

"Come to think of it, we haven't seen him since the battle began have we Hermy?"

Hermione shook her head. Neither of them looked particularly bothered even though Harry was supposed to be their best friend and had been for 6 and a half years. Ever since Quirrell let the troll in on Halloween and Harry and Ron saved her life by sticking a wand up its nose (Harry) and then knocking it out with its own club (Ron).

"Maybe a insert random name here got him." Suggested Luna as she stared dreamily at Neville.

"I thought you said they were harmless." Said Ginny curiously.

"Oh they are."

"Anyway I'm off to find Harry. Toodles."

Ginny ran off towards a big tall black tower which was covered in dangerous looking spikes. _He must be in here,_ she thought to herself, _why didn't I notice this great big ugly pile of crap before?_

_

* * *

_Meanwhile Harry was sitting at a table in front of a roaring fire, staring at the man who had tried (and failed) to kill him a total of 5485437 times. Most of those times had been in the last year and each had been as stupid as the next.

"Feeling comfortable?" asked Lord Voldemort.

Harry was confused. Did he need to be comfortable to die? Harry nodded.

"Good. Would you care for a cup of tea? Pumpkin juice? Coffee? Butterbeer? Firewhisky? Perhaps you would like some biscuits? But of course if you don't like biscuits you are welcome to have a slice of Uncle Voldie's homemade triple chocolate cake."

"Pumpkin juice and a slice of cake would be nice…" said Harry slowly. Well if he was going to die he might as well enjoy the few remaining moments of his shitty life.

"Splendid."

Voldemort put on his white, frilly apron with little pink hearts on and began dancing around the kitchen, making the snack. Harry tried not to laugh. Oh if only he had one of those Muggle camcorders with him now.

"Harry, what the hell are you doing?" Ginny had arrived. "All that crap about breaking up with me because you didn't want him to hurt me because I was close to you! You were having an affair with him! Why didn't you tell me?"

"N-" Harry was interrupted by Voldemort coming back with the snack.

"Oh Harry. Why didn't you tell me one of your little friends had joined you? Oh dear, now I'm going to have to go and get more refreshments."

"No. It's alright, I don't want anything." She wasn't going to trust anyone that had tried to kill her before.

"Come take a seat."

Ginny went and took a seat next to Harry while Voldemort took a seat opposite.

"You must be Ginny. Harry dreams about you a lot you know. In fact back in his 6th year he was really glad that Ron couldn't perform Legilimency. Dear Harry forgot all about the connection between us through his scar. I must admit that those dreams were very entertaining. Who needs a porno movie when you have Harry's dreams?"

Ginny's eyes were wide open and she looked like she was in shock. She didn't know whether to be embarrassed that Harry had had those sorts of dreams about her, embarrassed that Voldemort had seen and taken pleasure in watching those dreams, disgusted or pleased that at least Harry was thinking about her.

"My Lord, how many of these dreams did Harry have?" asked Ginny. _Might as well make Harry uncomfortable and I'd better be polite. I don't want to be Avada'd by old Voldie._

"Ginny dear. There is no need for such formalities. Please, just call me Uncle Voldie." Voldie smiled.

"Ok… Uncle… Voldie." _This has got to be a dream, a weird and scary dream. I just hope that I wake up soon._

"Now Harry. Firstly I'd like to apologise for all those times that I have tried to kill you over the years. You see when I was younger I had an extremely messed up life. My Muggle mother died when I was born, only having enough time to name me before she died. My dad had abandoned us both and I lived in an orphanage. I was on 20 lots of medication a day but then I stopped taking it because it tasted bad. That was when I started torturing all those little kids. I murdered Myrtle when I opened the Chamber of Secrets and then I murdered my father and his parents and then…"

"Look, Uncle Voldie, I don't need a history lesson right now. I know all this, Dumbledore showed me memories about you so I could try and work out how to kill you before you killed me."

"Harry!" Voldie gasped. "Surely you don't want to kill me?"

"Not yet anyway. I want answers."

"Sure. I'd be absolutely delighted to answer any questions you may have. I'm sure this is about your parents right? Sorry about murdering them by the way."

"Why did you give my mum the option to live but you never gave my dad that same chance?"

"I was insanely jealous of your father and remember I was extremely mentally unstable at the time. Much like you were in the Prisoner of Azkaban movie where you shouted 'HE WAS THEIR FRIEND.'"

"Hey! I was not mentally unstable then!"

"Ok, well you certainly were when you trashed dear old Dumbly's office at the end of your 5th year. You should be ashamed of yourself about that!"

"WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? ONE OF YOUR MOST FAITHFUL DEATH EATERS HAD JUST MURDERED MY GODFATHER!"

"Temper, temper, Harry."

"Anyway back to the topic of my parents. Why were you insanely jealous of my dad?"

"Harry. You have photos of your parents right? Did you ever notice how extremely HOT your mother was? Well yes about a year before you were born I had a little fling with dear, sweet Lily Potter which lasted a few months and then your father went and married her. I was DEVESTATED as you can imagine. He couldn't exactly live after that and remember I was…"

"Mentally unstable, yeh I know."

"Anyway and what happened next, that was just the icing on the cake."

"What happened next?"

"Harry there's no easy way to tell you this but…"

"But what?"

"Harry. I am your father."

There was a loud crash and Voldie and Harry turned to find Ginny lying on the floor having fainted upon hearing that last sentence from Uncle Voldie.

"Dad?" Harry turned to look at Voldie.

"Yes son?"

"I love you, dad!" Harry went over to Voldie and hugged him as hard as he could. "Lets never fight again and live happily ever after, forever and ever."

"Harry." Ginny had come round. "You do realise that he is the reason your mum is dead, right?"

"Yeh, but he's family and family is the most important thing."

"Oh Harry. By the way you have a brother." Said Voldie.

Harry was confused, his mother hadn't had anymore kids. For crying out loud she had died when she was only 21 and she hadn't been married that long either. Unless he had a… DUN DUN DUN… twin.

"Who?"

"Draco Malfoy. You know Narcissa is rather hot as well. Not as hot as your mother, you see I have a thing for redheads." Ginny started to back away slowly. "Lucius Malfoy is alright as well. When Death Eater meetings got a bit boring we used to sneak off to the backroom. You see Narcissa didn't come to Death Eater meetings."

"Oh I thought I had a long lost twin. That's what most fan fiction writers seem to think."

"Oh sugar, I forgot all about Harriet your evil twin sister who I brought up. She died a year ago when a Death Eater raid went wrong. I'm so sorry Harry."

"It's okay daddy."

He turned to look at Ginny and realised that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Now that the problem of a mentally unstable mass murderer wanting to kill him was sorted there was no need to keep her safe.

"Ginny?"

"Yes."

He dropped down onto one knee. "Will you marry me?" He slipped Slytherins ring onto her finger, the very same one that had once been a horcrux.

"Oh Harry of course I will. I've been dreaming of this moment since before I was born!" She leapt into his arms and kissed him passionately.

At that moment Ron, Hermione, Neville and Luna burst into the room.

"HARRY WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY SISTER? STOP TRYING TO EAT HER FACE!"

"Oh hi Ron. Harry's just asked me to marry him and I said yes. Isn't that great?" smiled Ginny.

"Oh that's wonderful. Can I be bridesmaid?" Hermione squealed again.

"Yeh sure whatever. Luna do you want to be my other bridesmaid?"

"I'd love too. Don't have a Christmas wedding though, I don't want to be attacked by Nargles!"

No one noticed that Voldie was standing in the corner wiping his eyes with a white frilly handkerchief muttering things like 'oh my dear little Harry is all grown up now'.

Ron turned to Hermione and pulled out a Harribo ring from his back pocket as he dropped to one knee. "Hermy, will you marry me?"

"Of course Ronald Weasley! I've only been waiting since like first year for you to ask!"

Ron and Hermione became attached at the mouth again and Harry and Ginny kept on going. No one noticed that Voldie was now crying harder than ever. 'They all grow up so fast these days!'

"Neville I think there's only one thing we can do." Luna said.

"What?"

"Neville will you marry me?" Luna asked seriously.

"Er… sure."

Luna smiled and linked arms with him and they walked out of the door leaving the two other happy couples and Voldie who was now bawling his eyes out.

* * *

**Epilogue.**

Harry and Ginny, Ron and Hermione, and Neville and Luna all got married on the same day at the same time. Along with Dumbledore and McGonagall, Fred Weasley and Angelina Johnston, George Weasley and Katie Bell, Lee Jordan and Alicia Spinnet, Remus Lupin and Tonks, Charlie and some random Romanian girl, Lavender Brown and Seamus Finnigan, Parvati Patil and Dean Thomas, Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson and everyone else who was in the Harry Potter series who wasn't already married or paired up.

The wedding broke a World Record which was never broken. Voldie was present and everyone loved him. After the wedding they all went on a big honeymoon to New Zealand together and then they all had 6574687856 babies always on the same day as each other and then the next lot would be on the same day (apart from like Dumbledore and McGonagall because that's sick). They all lived in one big house together where all the children could play together and be happy and then they all went to Hogwarts and all the kids who were in Gryffindor (which was everyone's apart from Draco's kids) took great delight in torturing Snape during Potions.

Harry couldn't have been happier, he had his Godfather back and Voldie had managed to bring Lily and James back from the dead as well (even though Voldie didn't want James back from the dead - you see he still had a thing for Lily). He had another best friend in the form of Draco Malfoy who was delighted that he had Harry as a brother, even though he had always hated him.

Everyone lived happily ever after.

**THE END.**

**

* * *

AN:** Urgh, thank god that will never happen. I'm hoping for a great seventh book. It pained me to right that ending and I hope that Harry and Ginny NEVER EVER GET BACK TOGETHER hands Harry back his caps lock. Lol. That's probably going to be my only attempt at humour which I can't write to save my life.


End file.
